Thursday, March 11, 2010

this negativity is really bringing me down

I'm a pretty positive person. I'm usually the optimistic, easy going one. Not too much ruffles my feathers, so why have I been so negative recently? There are times that I lash out and it is so uncharacteristically me that I dwell on it for days or weeks. I have a couple cringe worthy times where I said something so uncalled for that it haunts me.

Sports. I don't even really care about sports. Honestly. It gives me something to do on the weekends and something to check out at work. It's a filler. I really wouldn't mind if I never saw another NFL, NHL, or Nascar game again. (This does not apply to Penn State Football, Penn State is different, that's not sports, that's religion). I pick teams, just so I have a side to stand on. I root against that teams rivals and anyone else that I decide I just won't like. For example, I'm from Washington, I should like the Capitals, but I married a Penguins fan, so I root against the Caps. I stayed up the other night watching (alone) the Caps/Stars game rooting for the Dallas Stars just to see the Caps lose. I don't even really care about the Caps! I just need ammo for the trash talking at the office. This also goes for whoever is playing the Redskins, I always root against the Redskins, why? I have no idea. Football season is my least favorite time of year. I have to separate Steelers Husband from The Man I Married, I can't stand to be around Steelers Husband, he's loud, rude, obnoxious, and downright MEAN. And he's rubbing off on me. Yikes.

Politics. Another one I don't really care about. Yes, I have a degree in Political Science. This just means I actually studied how broken our government is. I don't know what Congress is voting on this week, I can't argue one way or the other in most policy debates. I have the issues I care about and I'll argue those till I'm blue in the face. But for some reason whenever politics comes up, I feel like I have to participate. Things get loud, heated, and uncomfortable. I say things I don't mean and I attack people for no good reason. I hate waking up the next morning and thinking about what was said.

Then there is the petty gossip. I hate that I do this. Hate it. I just get sucked into office gossip and don't hold back my opinions of people. I should. I don't like very many people in my office, so I don't say the nicest things. There are positions available that would mean a promotion for any of my peers that get it. I have absolutely no desire to take this position, but I find myself every day talking to someone about everyone else that would be HORRIBLE for the job. Why? The job doesn't even effect me, why do I care? I go home thinking about conversations that I've had and regret anything I chimed in with.

I'm trying to break the cycle. Last night the Caps game was turned on and I tuned it out, I don't care who wins, I'm not going to watch it just to be spiteful. This morning a coworker was driving me batty and I kept my mouth shut instead of running to my normal confidant to complain for 10 minutes. It's going to be hard. But I'm working on it.

Do you have any bad habits or characteristics that you're trying to break?

note: this has been a really hard one for me to write. Normally I just type and hit "Publish", I've been sitting on this and mulling it over for days trying to pinpoint what's going on.

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